Hey, Melinda girrrlll! Are we gonna set these people straight or what?
I have been your sickest, most obsessed fan for months now and you know it. Go ahead and tell them. It's too cruel to let them continue to drown in their delusions any longer. Go ahead, tell 'em.
Oh, I know you don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, okay, I'll say it for you. Melinda wants me to tell all of you that she loves you all very much and appreciates you and values your support. However, she needs to make it perfectly clear to all of you (especially Ms. Indigo and Donna the Puerile Princess) that I, Tiernan (Catherine, whatever she wants to call me) am her number one fan and she has always loved me best.
I told you all how when I met her after the concert in Philly to make sure she got the flowers I sent that she squealed in delight and jumped up and down hollering "She's here, she's here, Catherine's finally here!" I mean, everyone just stared at her in amazement at how excited she was. (It was actually a little embarrassing because I'm such a modest person.)
She even told me that she wished that Rhonda, Cris, Indigo, Shining, Old School Donna and others had even one half of my warmth and charm. C'mon Mel, you can tell them, you know you want to. Don't believe everything that you read about me here Melinda, I'm sorry to have to tell you that some of your supporters tell fibs and most of them are about me!
They're just jealous of how close you and I are - like sisters really.
Thank God you are here so you can straighten them all out and back me up here - they are all out to get me!